Neil Waring
Revered Wyoming Chef, outdoor cooking expert, admired woodsmen and honored citizen.
I keep meeting people that have had some kind of heart trouble, might have something to do with being 60 years of age or maybe I hang out in the wrong donut shops. My friends have had balloon surgery, heart stints, open heart surgery even heart transplants, not really heart transplants. What all of these friends need is to simply follow my Heart Healthy Cowboy Diet! This diet has passed the test of time; you know how you see those old cowboys all the time? Well they must be doing something right and it’s the diet.
This diet is set up just like one of those Jenny Craig or Nutra-System deals. No it’s not but it still might work. Probably not, but it might, here is what makes it better—all the food you need can be found at your local quick stop.
Step 1 Weigh yourself—if you have to go out on the interstate and weigh in at the port of entry this could take a while.
Step 2 Send me a check for lots and lots of money for this great diet.
Step 3 I really only have two steps, but love those 3 step plans.
After researching and studying pictures of Elvis, Marlon Brando, Barry Bonds, Myself, Sally Struthers and Al Gore I have come to this conclusion. Those people really got, shall we say, larger and it must have been the food. Have you ever noticed how the government experts tell us to eat less and exercise more to lose weight? How many years of college did it take to come up with that? Next we will be told if the government raises taxes we won’t have as much money as we used to have. Forget that, if the government raises taxes they will tell us we have more money. Enough about taxes, now I am stressed and I need a snack.
Cowboys don’t need to be told how to eat, they already know how, one bite at a time. It’s what we eat that we need to talk about. So here it is.
Do not drink the following: coffee that costs over 5o cents a cup, anything that comes in a green bottle, except diet Mountain Dew, now that’s some good sippin’, tea that is green or white or isn’t even tea, Beer, milk that doesn’t come from a cow, water that comes in a bottle, or anything that has the word energy on it.
Do not eat the following: Anything that has ever lived in the water, meat that comes in a can, frosting, bread that isn’t made with wheat, watermelon flavored anything-except watermelon, imported stuff, gum, oatmeal, hot dogs with soy added, packaged cookies, meat stamped-reduced for quick sale and dated 5 days ago, all Subway sandwiches, Jarrod is not a cowboy, sugar free jell-o, everything that says-microwavable, is that even a word? Ah let’s continue: cheese except for Velveeta, Jolly Ranchers, since that is an oxymoron to most cowboys, poached eggs (unless poached in Bacon Greese) Bernie Botts any flavor Jelly Beans, yellow M&Ms, Belgium waffles, smokeless tobacco (make sure you spit it out, too many calories to swallow) Bologna with pork in it and finally, and this will make the diet really work, no donuts, unless you are a member of the local law enforcement crew in which case stress leads to donuts.
Oh—one last thing—eat less, exercise more, visit your dentist twice a year, take a once a year physical, vacation, take your vitamins, and die anyway. But at least it should be from old age,
